Give Yourself a Break

I recently took Session 1 of Write into Light, an amazing teleclass by Martha Beck (Session 2 starts June 27; check it out here). In the second call, she was outlining a writing exercise where we visualize our home and pick our least favorite spot, then see what it has to tell us. She did the exercise herself as she was describing it; she picked her master bedroom closet because it was filled with stuff she didn’t know what to do with. She described it as cluttered and disorganized, then asked what its message was for her.

In the pause before she conveyed the message, I was anticipating something like “you have too much useless junk in your life and you need to clear it out”—something that would point out a problem and how she should fix it. But what she actually said flabbergasted me. She said, in the softest, kindest voice: “Oh, go easy on yourself, please. Let the clutter be today … Everybody’s got clutter, sweetheart. Let it go.”

I sat there with my mouth open, astonished. A message of pure compassion? It was the exact opposite of what I expected. We’re always told clutter is bad and we should clear it, and yet here was this world-famous life coach saying it was OK—because she was speaking from love. And love never criticizes. Real love is unconditional; you are loved no matter what. No. Matter. What.

How often do we truly experience that? How often are we able to truly give that? It’s extraordinarily hard to practice—but it’s essential that we learn how. We can’t possibly experience any kind of lasting happiness or joy if we don’t give ourselves a break. And we can’t offer others unconditional love if we don’t give it to ourselves first.

At the root of unconditional love is compassion. Understand, and forgive, like Martha Beck’s closet. “It’s OK, sweetheart. Everyone has clutter.” Not, “You are so lazy, why haven’t you cleaned me up already? What a loser. You can’t even keep this tiny space straight; how will you ever be a success?” No. Acceptance and love. Try alternating those statements to yourself—first the kind one, then the negative one. Isn’t it incredible how different they make you feel? An imaginary statement from a room can make you feel loved or ashamed.

If you are gentle and compassionate with yourself, it completely changes everything. It feels like sinking into a bubble bath of peace. Imagine being as kind to yourself as you’d be to your dearest friend. When our best friend screws up, we’re always quick to tell her it’s OK. But when we screw up, oh boy! Bring on the banshees!

Most of us have that voice in our head that criticizes almost everything we do and constantly judges situations. Often, it’s not even our own voice, but one we absorbed from a parent or teacher. We don’t even notice most of the time, but it’s always carping at us. Never satisfied, always complaining. Start listening; it goes on and on. How can we expect to feel good with that constant barrage of criticism?

I recently began re-reading “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron (an excellent book which I highly recommend), and one of the first activities is to write a positive statement about yourself several times (like “I am genuinely talented”) and then note all the criticisms and objections that surface in your head. She calls those blurts, and she recommends writing them down, then reframing them as positive affirmations. This was so difficult for me. I felt silly saying nice things about myself, but I had felt totally normal saying mean things! That is messed up. But I think that’s how most of us are. Cameron points out that this inner critic is precisely why so many people don’t pursue their dreams. They self-sabotage before they even start. It is essential to quiet that inner judge if we want to accomplish anything, and I think it’s necessary in order to find true joy.

It’s important to realize that the critic inside you is not you. It is a separate voice that you can politely—or not so politely—tell to shut up. You can even give it a name, like Mr. Judgypants or Bossy Bee, to help you take it a little less seriously. When Bossy Bee starts bitching, say, “Hey, Bossy Bee. I know you want to help, but I’ve got this. Goodbye now.” (Or “Buzz off,” lol.)

When you screw up, instead of letting Bossy Bee berate you, consider what love would say. I don’t know, maybe give love a name too. Lucy Lovebug? Love understands, love accepts, love encourages. Lucy Lovebug would say, “It’s OK sweetheart; I’m here for you no matter what.” Treat yourself like you would a wounded child. Because that’s what we all are inside, really. Even those with “good” childhoods picked up some scars along the way. We need comfort and cuddling, not criticism and cruelty. We need forgiveness and kisses and treats.

A simple way to get into that mindset is lovingkindess meditation. Close your eyes and silently say, “May I be well. May I be loved.  May I be free from all suffering. (Or, May I be filled with peace.)” Repeat three times (or as much as you need). That’s it! If you’re like me, even doing this will make you uncomfortable at first; but try doing it every day, maybe first thing in the morning or last thing at night. Over time, it will help you be more gentle and loving with yourself—and others.

We are not perfect. No one is. I repeat—no one is perfect, no matter how they seem from the outside. Everybody messes up. That’s part of being human. And when we mess up, compassion feels a lot better than anger, and helps us recover better too.

The next time you make a mistake, laugh. Feel solidarity with the billions of other people who are probably making a mistake at that exact same moment. No judgment, no self-flagellation. Look for the positive:  Well, I wrecked the car, but no one got hurt. If I hadn’t gotten lost, I would never have met my new best friend. Sometimes what looks like a disaster turns out to be a blessing in disguise. Give yourself a break. I will be right there with you, trying to remember to tell my Bossy Bee to buzz off and tune into Lucy Lovebug instead.

*For another marvelous approach to taking care of yourself, check out Elizabeth Gilbert’s June Inspiration column in “O” magazine.

What is joy, exactly?

Recently I started reading “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle, and came across a concept of his that surprised me: that “joy” is not an emotion, but rather a “deep state of being.” I had been equating joy with intense happiness, but Tolle says there is a difference. He says that joy comes only from within us—not from external factors. Pleasure is what comes from external factors, and it is generally short-lived. Pleasure can cause pain when what brought it ends or disappears. Huh. I hadn’t considered that distinction before. All this time I have been seeking joy from external sources. That explains a lot about why it has been so fleeting!

I do wonder, though, if what gives me pleasure can be an avenue to joy?  (Avenue to Joy: band name.)  I feel like the tiniest things can make a difference. If you sprinkle little tidbits of pleasure throughout the day, you end up with an overall happy day, and if you do that regularly, you’d end up with a happy life—right?

I took a course from a marvelous life coach named Anna Kunnecke about intentionally creating blissful experiences to boost happiness, and it definitely improved my quality of life during the course.  My activities included massages, good food, baths, chocolate, wine, champagne, hot tea, cashmere sweaters, fresh flowers, clearing clutter, and going to the beach. I feel like those brought me joy at the time. I guess Tolle would say they just provided momentary pleasure. It’s true that they didn’t create a lasting sense of joy within me, but I appreciated and enjoyed them nonetheless.

For my purposes as a “joy detective,” I’ll use the term a little more loosely here than Tolle defines it, but I’m going to keep thinking on this concept. I will ruminate on the idea that the best path to joy is to explore within myself. I have to say, it doesn’t sound nearly as fun as a trip to Tahiti! Seriously, though, I’ve experienced days where nothing I do makes me feel better; there is a dissatisfaction within me that external pleasures won’t fix. I suspect that he has a real point, and that abiding joy is more of a peaceful connection to God/the universe, or perhaps a re-connection to our souls, rather than the emotional high I’ve been picturing and pursuing. I think that reading authors who have experienced this—like Tolle, and Martha Beck, and Byron Katie, and Thich Nhat Hanh, and Esther Hicks—can help us learn how to go within and find that true joy.

Meanwhile I will also continue the “pursuit of happiness” in my external life, because things like chocolate and hugs and sunshine give me great pleasure, and I enjoy those kinds of treats even if they’re not necessarily the path to enlightenment. Sometimes you just want to snuggle up with a glass of wine and a good novel and take a break from the hard work of self-improvement, you know?

What do you think about this concept of joy coming from within rather than without? Does it ring true for you? How do you define joy?

The Mean Reds

Today I am very, very grumpy. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, groggy, and had to rush right into the day rather than starting mindfully as I like to do. Everything on my list feels like an imposition and I am resentful of my responsibilities. It doesn't help that the weather is gray and gloomy. The sun keeps peeking out and then going away, which really pisses me off. No real reason for these emotions, but I’m consumed by hot anger and burning irritation. It feels like what Holly Golightly was describing in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” when she said she got the “mean reds” instead of the blues.

This afternoon I had a break and tried to do something positive, like listen to a meditation or think for a bit and then write. First I was bombarded by texts; then the mailman rang the doorbell, which woke the sleeping beagle and made him bark insanely until I opened the door and got the mail. Aaarrghhhh, as Charlie Brown would say. I believe in a loving universe, but I swear sometimes I feel like it’s conspiring to fuck with me. Abraham, the guides that speak through Esther Hicks, would say I’m attracting aggravations because I am on that vibration. Law of Attraction: like attracts like. If I want positive occurrences, I need to reach for the more positive thought. I know this, but it’s tough to get back onto a higher plane when I am feeling SO. DAMN. GRUMPY! Sigh. I am dictating this to my phone as I walk the dog and having to whisper when I curse so the neighbors don’t hear me, which aggravates me further. 

Today, only one day after I posted “Quick Hits of Happiness,” everything on that list just seems like a pain in the ass. None of those actions seems likely to improve my mood. Now I feel all fraudulent.

But as I was angrily walking the damn dog, thinking about those ideas, I realized I was feeling a little better because I was getting exercise. It made me think about the cleaning tip. That’s one I’ve used before when feeling like this. I actually clean better when I’m angry; it gives me extra energy. I was already sweaty, so as I approached our house and saw those damn dead hibiscus bushes out front that my husband was supposed to cut down—two months ago—I yearned to get in there and hack those babies to the ground. So I did. And whaddya know, I feel better! Not happy, no, but grimly satisfied. So there’s that.

I am calmer now, and able to think a little more rationally. I am grateful that I was able to sweat out some of that anger. I hope the next time you feel like I did—well actually, I hope you never feel that way, but if you do—I hope you can remember to try physical activity. Clean angrily, weed angrily, walk or run or swim angrily, and it should help those mean reds flow out of you on your little sweat balls. And for more help: Gilda Radner as Roseanne Roseannadanna on little sweat balls.

Quick Hits of Happiness

“One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats.”

— Iris Murdoch

Some days, it’s a struggle just to get through. We’re impatient, or frustrated, or angry, or PMSing (which for me incorporates all three), and happiness feels out of reach. Bliss is definitely NOT happening, and if you sit still and breathe, you might collapse in sobs. On these days, little hits of happiness can help—and might be all we can manage. Here are some of my favorites:

Just go outside.

Every time I walk into my backyard, I instantly feel better. I don’t know if it’s the silence (why are our houses so noisy?) or love from the trees or some sort of ancient instinct, but it works every time. Walk on the grass in your bare feet. Watch the clouds, listen to the birds, smell the flowers. Bonus points if the sun is shining: getting sun raises your serotonin levels (one reason why some people suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, a depression/funk that sets in during winter months when days are shorter). Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood; low serotonin levels are thought to contribute to depression. The increase in serotonin happens when sunlight enters your eyes, so don’t wear sunglasses; sit or stand facing the sun (obviously, don’t stare right at it, though!). A lovely way to start your day is to go outside first thing in the morning, stand with your bare feet on the ground, and face the sun. Breathe deeply and center yourself. Early morning sunlight exposure can help you sleep better, which definitely will improve your mood. It does this by resetting your biological clock. For this benefit, go outside between 6 and 8:30 a.m., as later sunlight doesn’t have the same effect.

Put on something soft,

like a cashmere wrap or super-fluffy socks, and snuggle into it.

Rock in a rocking chair.

It’s so soothing!

Drink in some comfort.

Make a cup of something hot—tea, lemon water, hot chocolate—and hold it in both hands. Imagine love coming into your hands through the cup, then sip that love into yourself.

Eat some chocolate, especially dark chocolate.

No explanation needed! (But it really works, because chocolate contains serotonin and stimulates endorphins (see below!)

Exercise.

Try 10 jumping jacks or running in place, if you can’t take a class or go for a walk or run. Get your blood pumping and endorphins will flow. Endorphins are neurotransmitters that block pain and produce a sense of pleasure and satisfaction. Bonus points for dancing around like a fool to some of your favorite music.  (This is one of the hardest tips for me to follow—I am not a natural exerciser, and it often feels like TOO MUCH EFFORT to even get up and stretch, much less jump around or walk. But it never fails—when I move, I feel better.)

Listen to music—whatever you love.

Nat King Cole calms me every time I’m feeling jagged. When I’m down, ‘80s music cheers me up—anything I can sing along with. Singing actually helps you feel better, also. Even if you think you have a terrible voice, give it a try. Singing releases endorphins, which make you feel good. It also makes you breathe more deeply, signaling your nervous system to relax and getting increased oxygen into your blood, which boosts energy. Bonus points if you sing with a group, either formally or informally; studies have shown that the social interactions and feelings of support you get from choral singing lead to increased happiness.

Look at your favorite colors.

Color is energy and can actually affect our mood. My favorite colors are aqua, turquoise, cobalt, and hot pink. Looking at the blues calms me down, and looking at hot pink revs up my energy.

Take that a step further and make some art.

It doesn’t matter if you have “no talent.” Draw, doodle, or paint, simply to access the joy of creating. I find coloring with crayons to be especially calming—I like to draw random shapes and color them in, so I’m not putting pressure on myself to “do it right.” The feel of the crayon or pencil or paint brush on the paper is very soothing to me.

Rub scented lotion into your hands and breathe it in.

Lavender is especially relaxing; I also like rose. This hits two senses so it has a doubly calming effect.

Read something inspiring.

Maybe keep a book of poems close by, or make a notebook of quotes that you love, and open it at random. I love Mary Oliver’s poems, any book by the Buddhist monk and Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, or Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s “Gift from the Sea.”

Clean something.

Clean in such a way that it gets your blood pumping, like on-your-knees scrubbing the floor or tub. Not only does this give you the endorphin boost of exercise, but also the sense of accomplishment when you’re done! I find this especially useful when I’m angry. I can pour all of that energy into my work and really get results!

Pet your dog or cat.

Studies show that stroking, cuddling, or even gazing into the eyes of our pet leads to a rise in our oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is the “love hormone” that is also released during hugs, sex, and breastfeeding. It reduces stress and anxiety levels while increasing feelings of relaxation, trust, and bonding. Snuggling your pet (or human!) also releases serotonin (see going outside, above).

For even more oxytocin/serotonin boost, hug someone!

Good, long hugs make you feel loved--and make the person you’re hugging feel loved too! I once read a book about keeping your marriage strong which recommended multiple long hugs each day as a way to reconnect and then deepen your connection, without having to say a word. Science, people! It works.

Get a massage.

Not only will this help relax your muscles so you can release tension, it will also stimulate endorphins.

Laugh!

Especially on days when you feel more like crying, laughter can really help. Laughter reduces anxiety and boosts your immune system. Studies have shown it can even increase your tolerance for pain. Laughing stimulates the release of endorphins, those feel-good hormones that are also released during exercise. Laughter is so powerful, people now do laughter therapy and laughter yoga!

To get yourself started, watch a funny video online, or a TV show or movie if you have more time. Some of my favorite comedies are Abbott and Costello movies, “The Inlaws,” “Airplane,” “Young Frankenstein,” “His Girl Friday,” “Best in Show,” “The Philadelphia Story,” “Some Like It Hot,” “The Producers,” “Raising Arizona,” “The Muppet Movie,” “The Princess Bride,” and “Arsenic and Old Lace.” TV shows that always get me laughing: “I Love Lucy,” “Laverne and Shirley,” “Seinfeld,” and old Monty Python episodes. What are your favorites? Make a list one day when you’re in a good mood and keep it handy for emergency laughter infusion as needed!

Or, cry!

Go ahead and cry it out. Crying physically releases those feelings of tension, anger, and sadness. A good sob can clean you out and make room for positive emotions. Watching tearjerker movies can help you access those feelings if you’ve stuffed them way, way down like we tend to do. I prefer ones with a somewhat happy ending so I finish up with happy tears, like “An Affair to Remember,” “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “Field of Dreams,” or “Sleepless in Seattle.” Classic tearjerkers are “Terms of Endearment,” “Beaches,” “Love Story,” “E.T.,” “Ghost,” “Charly,” “Steel Magnolias,” “Titanic,” and “The Notebook.” “Life Is Beautiful” is amazing in that it’s equally funny and heartwrenching; it’s especially poignant (read: full-on sobfest) for parents. What tearjerker always gets you going?

I hope that one or more of these ideas will be useful to you the next time you need a lift. What other mood-boosting activities have you tried and either loved or hated?

What beliefs are keeping you from joy?

I’m just going to start. So much mental back and forth! Do I write by hand first to access the “me” within, or start on the computer? Where and when can I find a bit of solitude to concentrate? I want everything to be perfect before I begin; that has held me up before. I want that desk at the window overlooking the rolling hills, with sunshine and birdsong and a perfect cup of coffee steaming by the side of my notebook and freshly sharpened pencil…and a servant to bring me fresh coffee, water, snacks, lunch—oh, and to take care of my responsibilities so I can sit there and be self-indulgent.

Aha! Writing is self-indulgent? Hmmm…is that belief why I never seem to be able to do this? I’m writing for myself and not a client, so I’m not making money, so it has no value. It’s worthless. Because Lord knows, anything that isn’t productive is a waste of time. For Pete’s sake. This is the belief I battle all day, every day, instilled in me by well-meaning but damaged and fearful parents.

Over the last few years as I have accelerated my quest for peace and everyday happiness—or at least most-day contentment—I’ve come up against this bugger a lot. I try to sit in the sun each day to relax after a busy morning. I’ve just been quite productive so I take a short break; yet I feel guilty about it, and often have to make myself. This concept of “filling up our well”—that we can’t give to others if we are not full—I believe this. I’ve definitely experienced it. But I still criticize myself for needing to take those breaks. It is frustrating to be trapped in that loop.

This compulsion to be constantly productive also keeps me from being still and accessing my inner voice. Everything I read tells me that stillness is the key to finding peace and joy. Sitting quietly, calming the mind, and allowing that wise woman at your core to speak up—that will show you the way. In our culture, busy-ness is prized above all else. I’ve read recommendations to schedule alone time into your calendar just like a meeting or an errand, and when someone wants you to do something you say, nope, that’s my time to be quiet. OMG, can you imagine? I have a long way to go before I can say that with a straight face. I do have my son trained not to bother me when I have my headphones on, because I am doing a guided meditation (I do the Abraham-Hicks ones, and I highly recommend them), so that’s a start. And I just started waking up earlier each day to sit in silence for five or ten minutes. I find it’s much easier to do this first thing in the morning, before my mind is fully awake. And by getting up earlier, I’m using “bonus” time, so my inner boss doesn’t berate me for being unproductive. In fact, he’s pretty gleeful that I’m up early. Early bird gets the worm and all that.

Beyond preventing me from reaping the benefits of being quiet, this belief also keeps me busy with life maintenance chores, rather than activities that feed my soul. I would love to spend most of my time reading, painting, or relaxing on the beach, but my Puritan work ethic tells me those are a waste of time, and I can only indulge in them after all the work is done. After all the work is done?! Seriously, tell me, have you ever had even one minute in your life where you thought, “Ah, now ALL the work is done!”?  Ha. So I keep running like a hamster on a wheel, making calls, washing dishes, preparing meals, doing laundry, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera (as the King in “The King and I” would say). And unless I consciously CHOOSE to relax, or paint, or write for myself, it simply will not happen. And that, my dears, is how we wake up one day at 48 and think, “WTF? What happened to all of those things I was going to do?”

I have several other belittling beliefs that I’m aware of—and probably a few more that I don’t even realize.  One I’m battling right now is that my writing should flow effortlessly onto the page in glorious complete sentences that need no editing. (If I’m a real writer, that is.) When I write, and it’s not immediately perfect, I get discouraged. I have to give myself permission to write that “shitty first draft” (as Anne Lamott calls it in "Bird by Bird") and know that I will have to do the hard work of editing and polishing. And I’m not lazy if I dread that! It’s hard! I don’t know of any writers who say they relish that process. (Or, come to think of it, any writers who say their sentences flow effortlessly onto the page in glorious completeness!) I think this applies to many areas. My husband, a musician, says he feels the same way when trying to write a song.

Here’s another, major one: that I’m not worthy. This shows up in many ways. I question my writing and think that no one wants to hear what I have to say; it’s not important, it’s not helpful, and it doesn’t matter.  I think a lot of people have that critic inside, whispering (or shouting): “Who are you to write a blog/paint/try for that dream job/speak your truth if it inconveniences others?” This type of self-doubt can be extremely corrosive; feeling this way in one area can spread to others like rust taking over a car until you’re questioning everything you do and denying your dreams.

Have you ever had this feeling? Do you have any beliefs like this that are limiting your ability to chase your dreams—or just enjoy living your life?

We can spend most of our days on autopilot, especially as busy moms, wives, and career women—taking care of others while ignoring our own needs, and allowing unconscious beliefs to run our lives. When you sit down with paper and pen and ask yourself questions like, “What is keeping me from my dreams?” or even “What thoughts do I have that make me unhappy?” you might be amazed at what flows forth. There is a voice inside of us that knows what we need. We just have to make space for her, and politely but firmly tell our mind to take a hike for a little while.